crucify

Getting into trouble is so ridiculously easy. Do anything without thinking. Say the first thing that comes to mind. Take the filter off, man, and let it fly, easier than falling off a log. In no time you will be verbally hacking through the jungle, oblivious to the fact those trees you are chopping down are actually people. It's ludricous how much energy it does not take to make enemies, offend someone, and generally cross over the line of moral obligation into the wild, wild, whatever. And what's more, if you can shut that irritating little voice of conscience thing off, you can really enjoy going there. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers sang a song in the late 80's called Free Falling that tells the story of the ease of wreckless living. But that song (which really sounds cool) only tells part of the story.

Growing up in a sect of Christianity which was strict in practice, I constantly carried this urge to throw off restraint and free-fall through life. Because I saw so much blatant hypocrisy from even the higher-up leaders of this sect, there grew in me a deep abiding distrust and bitterness toward the kind of authority that liked to "throw its weight around." Sunday after Sunday I endured scorching sermons that left me thinking that if I found any enjoyment in life at all, it was probably sinful. And something was terribly wrong inside, I was led to beleive, that I would find enjoyment in something like a movie at the theater, or dancing with a girl, or listening to a certain genre of music. More than just this conscience twisting power grab, the messages were mixed. I couldn't dance with a girl at a school dance, but I could take her for a walk at a church function, alone, and make out with her. Most of what was deemed sinful, then, had to do with excoriating "the world" and controlling people, and very little to do with what is in the heart. So, confused and hurt by this kind of "christian" life, I threw most of it overboard and began to live much like that Tom Petty song. But something inside held on to what might be real about the whole "God" thing.

I was wild, flat out. I did whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. And I went to church about every 3rd or 4th Sunday, just to feel that Presence. I knew God was real. I just didn't want to be some mind-numbed idiot being led around by some suit-wearing self-righteous preacher who screamed about love from the pulpit, yet, would not exert the energy to have a real relationship with his own children. But, my path crossed another's who's preaching and living looked eerily alike, and I began to spend time with this youth pastor. I would show up at the youth service, listen to his preaching, and then spar with him on Biblical issues, with the intention of embarrassing or at least frustrating him. When you're out there free-falling, you're also oblivious to how you resemble a fool. He was kind and gracious to me, even though I was a complete ass to him. He even told me once, that if I was ever in a spot where I needed someone to help me, and there was no one else to call, that he was the guy.

One cold, rainy February night I was out with a friend riding around and drinking. We stopped in what we thought was a field to do some rain-making of our own, and ended stuck in mud in a part of what was the outskirts of a large lawn. There was no one to call, it was early morning hours, we were intoxicated. It was looking bad for us. I remembered to call this youth pastor. He showed up within a half an hour and pulled us out with his big stone mason truck. The cops arrived just as we were getting ready to leave. The end result was that this youth pastor was the town hero football player, and because those cops knew him, they let him take us home, instead of taking us to jail. He told us go in, get some sleep, and we'd talk about it later. He never mentioned it. Not once.

It was a pure act of love. He answered the call at 2:30 am, came out in the nasty, cold, wet night, to rescue a couple of guys who deserved a lot more than just going to jail for the night. He did not have to do it. I'm sure that everything within him screamed against it. Yet, he put it all aside; his rights, his d'ruthers, his sensibilities, and his pride he crucified on the cross of love, for that moment. That was an enlightening moment for me. I saw Jesus, who had every right to disregard humanity in all its filfth, push past all the justice to do the thing that would allow us to be his friends forever. That youth pastor showed me the love of Christ that all the other pompous preachers could only talk about. "Take up your cross and follow me!" What does that really mean. "I crucify myself daily," the Apostle Paul said. What that youth pastor did for me showed what Christ has done for us all. He showed me the kind of Christian I want to be. Religion, talk, its all cheap. We have to show the world what love looks like. We have to nail all our stubborn, controlling, self-righteous ideas to the cross, and just love.