visiting

"Stuff About Family" Series

Seeing family evokes deep emotions in me. It may not affect everyone as deeply, but everyone is infected, I mean affected by their family in some way. There is a huge chunk of who we are as individuals that family has a part in, mostly in the stages of life when we are becoming. Seeing them reminds us of things we love and hate about ourselves. They represent attributes we've championed to get ahead in life, and those things we've spent mature years grapling with, trying to process, control, or change completely. And something else about them even more insidious, they know things about us that could destroy us if they ever became public knowledge. Family is the keeper of those secrets of our lives, good, bad, and indifferent.

We pulled up to the house where some of my family were gathered for a reunion, and I just sat there stunned by all the memories that were rising from the depths merely by driving past the places they happened. Then, getting out of the car and greeting those keepers of my ugliest secrets, realizing what emotions I must evoke in them, as I am the keeper of some of their secrets, I am so overwhelmed each visit.

The challenges with visiting family are knowing how long to stay and keeping yourself from visiting memories that need to remain sequestered. There always seems to be one thing that some family member can do or say that ignites those old fires, or brings back the ice wall, if you fancy cooler analagies. For me it is a combination of things. But in my observations I have found one of the main glitches in family interaction is this: when a sibling or parent asks for your opinion on a matter, and then totally disreguards your contribution! Similarly, the same or worse results when one of those relations goes to great lengths to dig an old secret out of you, your feelings on some family drama, something you really want, someone else's feelings, etc., then does whatever they want anyway, all the while trying to make you think they really cared about what you offered them. It's MANIPULATION!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Sorry, there was a bee... It has to be the single most notorious family glitsch!

The next one I have named after that very stalwart Confederate General who "stood like a stone wall..." stonewalling (one word). You take vacation time off, travel far to visit family, hoping to steal some one-on-one time with that special family member you rarely get to see. You arrive, settle in, see other family members in the area. The days are active and fun, evenings filled with good food, laughs, and late nite card games. Soon the visit is over and you realize the one you really wanted to spend time with managed to stay busy the whole time. How disappointing to drive away from a visit knowing that one person you wanted to see somehow was unable to find or make time to visit with you.

Another glitch that can occur with frequency when visiting family; I don't have a name for it. But it occurs when a lot of family members live close together in one area. Everyone wants you on their agenda: "Meet us at this restaurant," "Come stay at our house," "Go to our church," etc. Even though you try to pre-empt this glitch by deciding what and where before you go, you still get sucked in to running all over, to the point that you almost look forward to going back home to work so you can get some peace! As much as some family members get on your nerves, even those, you really don't want to disappoint them. And honestly, that is kind of twisted, because when you are leaving they always say, "When are you coming back?" And it is those same family members that will not stop for a visit with you, even when they are in an area close by. And inside you are thinking, "who needs them to visit, anyway..." Well, it does not make any sense at all, but, you may be able to fool some of your family some of the time, but deep inside you know you love those crazy, awesome, nerve-pounding people. And in that same deep place, you hope for the next chance you get to visit with them!