marker 41

Words. Feelings. Regrets. Old injuries, new ones. Family. Friends. Work. Ministry. Leisure. I find myself evaluating and re-evaluating, knocking on the door of forty-one. Sifting through it all, I could have done a lot worse. That’s the way all the loving, well-meaning people would politely summarize my years, I suppose. But I see that I could have, I should have done a lot better. So, to put regrets to death I have to take what I know and use it to change myself. I see I need to be much more intentional in everything, coupled with more patience, caution, sensitivity, and diligence.

All the rhetoric and collective wisdom I have studied and received directly from those in authority in my life, I must revisit and re-engage. I have always sought refuge from those pounding expectations of excellence. It has always seemed so bothersome and intrusive, like trying to fill up some one else’s standard. But after two score years of living, I am motivated by the importance of intentionality, and of executing those activities deemed worthy and inside the scope of my purpose with that same tedious excellence I have all but completely resisted. I always thought a person just lives doing their best and not worrying about the outcome too much. But I see the best I have been was when I yielded to that pressure, pressing myself for better results. I must be intentional in my relationships-first with God, then my wife and sons, then everyone else. Intentionally gracious, intentionally moral, intentionally excellent.

I have prayed for a virtue many times when faced with life-altering decisions and circumstances, and God has provided it time and again. And I have shunned it, it seems, as many times. “Patience, my child, patience…” the Holy Spirit whispered to me. “But if you have allowed the opportunity, surely you intend me to go for it…” I “reasoned,” then proceeded selfishly and sometimes defiantly. If it ever occurred to me that some opportunities were tests, I heeded or discarded it to my whim. As I am very possibly my own worst critic, I suppose there were times I proceeded with due patience. But I cannot think of any right off hand. I have to remove distraction from my life, to begin to exhibit that patience. I must wait, hear, discern, and trust that still, small voice. Then, and only then should I resolutely make a move.

With patience comes a new way of approaching problems and opportunity: with caution. I can feel my thinking changing, as I have been praying about this and contemplating the utter foolishness with which I have approached pretty much everything. When emotion and whim are a person’s counselors, it is, at best, a roll of the dice. If I did not see God’s protective hand in my life, I would have to declare myself one of the luckiest fools in the world. As it stands, I am one of the world’s most blessed fools… Now I have several pairs of eyes studying my moves, weighing my actions close- up. The weight of the power I have to influence them toward right living has greatly increased the last few years. Before reacting, before harshness, anger, or whimsical foolishness is transferred any longer, I must proceed with caution.

Recently I have been privileged to observe one of the best examples of caution in handling situations as I have been ministering with the acting interim pastor at our church. His greatest tool is his sensitivity. I have observed that thick skin is essential to dealing with people and situations demanding sensitivity, because it is most often tied up with a lot of complaining and blame-shifting. “Do not be easily offended,” the Word says. Reading the story, “The Tale of Three Kings” by Gene Edwards, one can see the need to be wary of harsh, insensitive people, who are most often delusional and take quickly to throwing “spears.” Objectivity is key to remaining sensitive through to the end, but is rarely desired or appreciated. However, it is truly the only attitude that allows truth to make way for solution, if not, at least understanding, and the continued blessing of God.

And there it is: a vision. For many years I have been a man in search of a vision, because, I know that without vision, the people perish. Because of God’s amazing, un-reluctant grace in the middle of my mountain of blunders, I see. I have vision to lead me on from this marker in my life. Marker 41.