hard

Most days he feels like a machine.  He works, eats, sleeps, rinses and repeats.  When his wife needs to talk, it takes effort for him to engage, to listen, to care about what she needs him to do.  And the children always want to tell every detail of their day, the minute he walks in from work.  He is still processing his day, and the day to come, as he works several jobs.  His mental stamina wanes and his emotions fluctuate. Somehow, he manages to listen to his wife and children, so that they can feel supported and continue productively.  But most days to him, none of it matters because he is a machine at this time in his life. And his purpose is one thing:  to make money.

Things he used to be involved in, empassioned by, motivated by, are dull and distant memories.  He tries to be fired up like he used to, but when he re-routes a little of his energy to one area, he finds what he gains is more taxing than just leaving those things alone.  So, trying to forget, he buries his head a little deeper in the monotony that is his life.  It does not mean he has stopped believing.  It does not mean he has stopped loving.  It means he must oil the machine and keep chugging along for the sake of both.

He thinks back to when he was a burning flame, when things seemed so simple and clear.  He could see plainly the good he ought to do, and it was almost effortless to believe and love.  The expressions were new and fresh, and felt as if they would last forever.  Then he remembers the first time he had to let feelings go, for they misled him.  He remembers the new feeling of that cold hard decision,  "I will believe even if I cannot see; and I will love even though it is not readily returned, because that is what love is."  He could have just quit and died inside.  But, he chose to love, and suffer the burden of it.  From the outside it may seem unmitigated surrender.  But in real effect, he is taking care of his family, which is what he chose.  And that is unmitigated victory.

You have to decide what kind of a person you want to be.  And, though you cannot ensure the brand of success you dream of, you can know that you will be responsible for it.  Our volatile, weak society has a hard time with accepting that, sometimes, there are no short cuts, no easy buttons, no compromises.  Sometimes you have to be exactly what they say, do exactly what you're told, pay the price without haggle.  And if you don't, you will crash and possibly burn.  You may watch your wife and kids leave you all alone because you couldn't fill their emotional and relational needs, because you were working too much and tired all the time, because your car was being re-possessed, because you bought too much car, but it didn't matter because you spent the money for your car payment on some unnecessary electronic unit thinking it would make the family (and you) happy.  Sometimes it is not your fault, when life does not happen as you or others think it should. But most of the time, it is your fault.

No one can escape the cold, hard fact that you are what you are because of you.  You have what you have, your abilities developed as they have, you are fulfilled or not, all because of you.  Some have greater potential, better financial or relational environment, and never reach their potential or really enjoy life.  Some have much less potential, emotional road blocks, diverse obstructions, and somehow exceed their potential and drink deeply of what life has for them.  You have to work with what you have.  And 10 out of 10 people say that what they have has had to be stretched for them to be content, fulfilled.  And that is hard to do.  You may need some help on that one...  That's ok.  You're covered.  There's 7 billion people waiting to help you with that.