disappointed

I remember hearing the words from my parents, "You were raised better than that!"  And it was true.  But sometimes, when you are young, it is easier to go with the flow, posturing for coolness, perhaps even raising the bar to erase any doubts in the minds of your peers.  And so you step past the inappropriate and into the forbidden, ignoring your conscience, and suppressing that feeling that your sins will find you out.

The policeman was very nice, if a little frustrated.  I knew he could have put me in cuffs, read me my rights, and took me to jail.  But I guess he knew the truth of those words my parents spoke to me, that I have now spoken to my offspring.  He knew it was a safe gamble, leaving me in capable hands, and that the guilt of my tresspasses would do its work.  Thank God for understanding law enforcement.

Now I'm the parent. I knew all that "cool" business was trouble back then. Now, I understand how I made my parents feel when I went beyond the borders of propriety, safety, and law. Now, I have worn that look I saw on my parents' faces. It came to me with a gut-wrenching anger mixed with sadness... disappointment. 

When the officer left my house, I could not say anything, could not look at my son.  Yes, young ones do really stupid things sometimes, despite all the conversations and teachable moments parents have with them.  But I could not help feeling as if I had failed him, somehow, even though he knew better, even though it was his stupid decision and not mine.  The weight of my Dad's words from one of those teachable moments we shared comes to mind, "Your actions will always reflect upon your family, good or bad. That's just the way it is." 

Our actions, as children adopted into God's family, reflect upon Him.  I gained a deeper sense of the sacrifice God made for us when my son was born..."that He gave His only Son..."  Closer now is a fresh sense of the disappointment God feels when I dismiss what I know is true to go my own way.  While I'm extremely perplexed at the actions that have brought me to this experience, I am grateful for the renewed clarity of that still, small, voice that continuously whispers to God's kids, "Here is the way you should go.  Walk in it." 

Forgive me, Father, for causing You disappointment.  Thank You for the re-fired motivation to hear Your words of affirmation again, to see You smile again, and to know that I am the reason for it.

Together with Christ Jesus He also raised us up and seated us in the heavens,  so that in the coming ages He might display the immeasurable riches of His grace through His kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  Eph 2.6&7