greatness

"...there are some things that gnaw on a man worse than dying." -Charlie Postalwait in Open Range

I had a dream to do something great.  I thought it would be with my music.  And, though I can write and record a song, there are thousands that can do it much better than I.  I am a realist at heart, so I write and record ever so often for myself.  But I doubt I'll ever stand before thousands and perform the way I have dreamed of it.  I thought it might be through my preaching and my devotion to God, like the greatly read and beloved Saints of old.  I can deliver a sermon that would make hearts desire to belong fully to God.  But there are thousands much more qualified (and certified) to do that than I am.  As for devotion to God, well, He knows what I am, and so do I.

We live in strange times, when the greatness of a person is measured by the image he can most successfully project to the public's eye or by how talented he or she is, not by their integrity under the surface.  The proof of this is on display in our churches, schools, and most immediately by those in our halls of government.  But real, honest to gut and God greatness just is, and no matter the projection of image, it is shown to be so with the passing of time.  Great men are not born to it, as our "great" society supposes.  Great men are made, shaped, hammered, broken, then made again.  They are men (and women) with fleshy hearts that are just as prone to wander, just as prone to quit, just as prone to make a royal mess of things as any other.  Greatness is not birthright, education, means, or intentions.  Greatness is the will of a hungry lion hunting for its next meal, the will to get back up after failing time and time and time again.

Quitting does not have to be permanent.  Sometimes a man has to quit because his focus was not on the true mark.  And the breaking and humiliation that comes with failure reveals the self absorption that had been lying near his true self, in opposition of it.  When a man's weaknesses are laid bare before him and all the world (but most effectually to himself), it is like being in a battle in which he is out-numbered 10 to 1.  It is a heavy weight dropped upon him in his most vulnerable moment.  It turns joy to sorrow, and laughter to sobbing.  It makes a man want to crawl up under a rock and die.  Indeed, there are some things that gnaw on a man worse than death.  He finally realizes, after half his days are spent, that the battle for his true self is not a battle at all, but a full-on war.

A mere man stays there, laying under that rock, afraid of the things that are hunting him, mainly his past.  He waits for the rest of days to pass, thinking, 'If I can just finish out my days doing the same monotonous work, trudging along under the weight of it all, if I can just eek out a living for those who may survive me.'  And he means "survive" him, for he begins to believe he is incapable of giving, of living the way His Maker intended him to live.  He is only a mere man if he stays there.

But a great man, a great man rises up in full resolve.  A great man is able to grasp ahold of the forgiveness purchased for him by the greatest Man to ever walk the earth.  A great man is able to die completely to his old self, fearlessly running through any semblance of it with the Sword of the Spirit.  He is able to come to that serene oasis of forgiving himself.  Until a man can get there, he can never truly forgive anyone else, and he will not have anything to give.  And from that place, which he must revisit again and again to replenish the Supernatural Power, he is led in overcoming his foes, all in himself, one at a time until he finds that he is beginning again, truly beginning again.  It takes merciless honesty, mountains of courage and determination, and the King of love and peace working in him, through him as he bows continually in prayer.

The kind of greatness that founded our nation upon Godly principles is the kind of greatness it takes to become God's idea of us, to love our spouses as Christ loves the Church, and to raise an heritage of greatness.  If I never stand in front of thousands and move them with my music, or woo their hearts to God with a sermon, I will be at peace with that.  But, if I can live in such a way as to exercise my ghosts, beat down the foes in myself that would destroy me, if I could but work hard at doing what is in front of me, trusting God fully to open unseen doors, to love my family and teach them to do the same, then I will have reached it.  I will have reached Greatness.

I know what I can do.  Greatness is learning, knowing, trusting what God wants to do with what I can do.  That is my master dream.  It is my destiny.  It is the destiny of everyone who will have faith to step out into the nothing, making himself vulnerable only to God.  May it be so.