Today is the last day of this year, 2023. It is 31*F and sunny at 0710. I am having a cup of coffee and sponging the
tranquility of this morning moment. This
is my favorite time of day, I think. Or
at least I think so at this moment. The
dew is still glistening on the roofs and ground because the sun has not risen
above the tree tops on the eastern horizon.
All is quiet and still, and it is good.
Christmas has come and gone for the 53rd time in my
life. New Year’s celebrations have mostly
been a bummer because, well, either too religiousy, too drunky, or too
dull. Maybe five times in my lifetime
have I experienced a joyous ringing in of the new year, and been properly
motivated to face the unseen challenges of it.
But I can’t remember which years or even where it was. This time of year feels more hollow than
most. I can remember a hundred Christmas
mornings. I have no interest in remembering
New Year’s nights, rehearsals for disappointment. Yeah, that sounds a little dark, but
honestly.
I do have New Year’s traditions, processes. But they are all inward. There’s the yearly audit of significant
events. There’s the yearly audit of
significant triumphs, and defeats. I feel
the frost of mundanity. “Vanity, vanity,
all is vanity.” Did I make more
money? Did I spend too much? What increases have I? What increases may come? Have I been impacted by the life of
another? Have I made an impact on the
life of another? What have I created? What have I destroyed? What have I hated? What or whom have I lifted? Have I been a better husband to my wife? Have I been a better father, son, brother,
uncle, cousin, nephew? How many times
did I put my foot in my mouth? How many times did I lie (for those interested
in cold, hard truth)? What sins have I grappled
with most this year? Where have I become
unfeeling? Whom have I, perhaps
unconsciously, cut off from access to me?
Who has cut access off to me?
Why? Remedy?
A mountain of disappoint in myself pulverizes down. Some audits bring a glint of satisfaction,
some nausea. It all settles down,
driving, pressing, pushing. I groan
under the weight of pressure trying to crush me. Sometimes I want it to crush me. Every year I screw up enough to deserve to be
crushed entirely, and sometimes, I wish to surrender to it. Then I remember
those who are counting on me. Whatever
trespasses I have committed, (and there is always more than good deeds done), I
have to maintain a certain mental and spiritual stability-for them. The only
shield between my immediate family and utter chaos is me. My sins are mine, not theirs. I must stand and fulfill my vows, my
responsibilities. I have to. Let the mountain try to crush me. I’m dumb like a rock. Where sin abounds…
The giant orb of energy does its thing to the earth. I’m reminded that God brings sunshine and rain
to the just and the unjust alike. The
sun will come out tomorrow. It’s a reminder
to my dismal auditing that there’s another Auditor Who’s reckoning is more
perfect-and His mercy and grace pierces my darkness like the rays of the sun
bringing warmth and energy to sleeping earth.
The standard He uses in calculating my life is not transgressions versus
good deeds as it is with humankind. It’s
the Son. When the rays of the Son break my
tree line I have to respond to His mercies (withholding deserved punishment)
and accept His grace (endowing unmerited favor).
Whatever your audit turns up, the only thing that matters going
into this new year is the Son arising on your situation, and you receiving the
energy of His life into all the areas of your yard. Next time you sit with a cup of coffee on
your front porch surveying your lawn, maybe you will think about how God
blesses because of His great love for us all, and how He sent His Son to
invalidate our audits. Just as the giant
orb of energy in the sky just keeps doing it’s thing, God loves simply because
that’s just the way He is. It’s what He
is. It’s Who He is.
Happy New Year.
No comments:
Post a Comment