mourn

In all the trials of this journey we share, few cause as much grief and upheaval as the death of a family member. There is the loss of the individual, the fact that the person you have known and loved will no longer be around for you to laugh with, cry on, gain wisdom from, watch the game with, and a host of other things. On the surface, we all deal with this part in "our own way," but underneath, we all hit this mind-numbing reality of loss at some point, and it just hurts. And nothing anyone says, really, can take that pain away. Its always there, even decades later.

Beside just the heart-shattering loss of the individual, there are all the feelings of other family members and the whole inheritance thing. It can be very unsettling. Some people you thought you knew suddenly become someone else, someone not so nice and reserved as you thought before. A family member who held your respect because of their composure in hard times reacts to the situation in a way that embarasses everyone around. People you thought so highly of before re-emerge to your perception in a totally unexpected way. And the feeling of loss of the departed one is magnified. In your mind, you don't care about the inheritance. The way you see it, the real inheritance is what was imparted to you by the person, that eyes cannot behold, and hands cannot take away.

This is why it is so important that we take time to mourn when we lose a close family member. Our society is so inept, so shallow, so ignorant of deep spiritual needs of people, that is has long brushed by this very necessary part of the pilgrim's journey. One of the wisest of all men once wrote that there is a time and season for all things under heaven, then he listed many of those things, one in particular, a time to mourn. There is a time to mourn. When you lose someone very close to you, it is crucial that you take time to mourn. The "wake" and funeral or memorial services are not that time. They may be the beginning of that time. Dressing in black, looking at the body, visiting some memories with a group of friends and relatives, crying with them as the loved one is committed to ground, then going home and eating is not mourning. I submit, mourning may not even begin until after this.

Wisdom says there is a time and season for all things under heaven. Effective mourning begins when we embrace the pain of loss, letting our emotions go, bypassing crying to weeping. There will be questions, ask them. Embracing the pain of loss involves thinking about how wonderful of a person they were, realizing how their absence is going to affect your day to day living, and others', and allowing those emotions to break surface, and allowing this process to play out over and over until you have a sober sense, and clear understanding of what to do about life as it is now. This could take weeks. It could take months or years. It could be a season of mourning, if that is what is needed. But if it is stifled, you will go on through life with a dull pain throbbing in your soul, making big decisions on the false pretense you are capable to do so, until finally, you succumb to the suppressed grief. Then you will have to go through all the afore-mentioned steps, and it may be during another season and time under heaven in which it is not befitting to mourn. Either way, you will have to stop the flow of life.

Mourn. Take the time to do it. Make sure friends and family you know do it, too. Let them know that its the way God made us, so it is good and fitting, so that we can move on with clear perspective and conscience. In this stoic age we live in, as the days and seasons turn, turn, turn, take time to mourn.