Confession: My life has been marked by anxiety. I have made life altering, sometimes regretful decisions because of anxiety, feeling that something just had to be done. As a result, I have been impulsive and reckless, unwise with time and resources. Those in my life who have made this observation and spoken to me about those things are the ones I know I can trust. I quite agree with this assessment. When I look back, I see I have surpassed the general allowance of youthful impetuosity to the point that I marvel that I am still on this side of my pilgrimage. And the results of my decisions, mingled with a heavy dose of Divine grace, have brought me to where I am and who I am now.
I have a great job, a wonderful wife, healthy, thriving sons, supportive extended family, a mortgage, 2 vehicles, and other stuff that helps me enjoy life-snow skis, canoe, guitar, bicycles, etc. I have everything I need, and most everything I want. Yet, deep in my soul, my core, there is yearning and restlessness. Changing my situation has only relieved this temporarily. Occasionally I get the itch for something new, and I save my money and buy it. New stuff always gets old. That deep itch cannot be scratched by surface things. The vicious cycle must be broken: restlessness, relocation, pseudo-success, frustration, depression, restlessness. Right there. There is where I need to STOP doing the same thing. My past has brought me to the present. But, as I'm not satisfied with it, I cannot allow impulsiveness to guide what is left of my time. My core needs something more.
There is a future out there ahead of me. What must I do to ensure that my future will be more than my past or present? What is it deep within me that continuously cries out? What is it that stops my rest, drawing lines on my face? Its a call. Its a purpose that was in me when I was still inside my mother's womb. My parents were merely the mechanical instruments used to bring me into this world. Before that, I existed in the mind of God. He conceived me, then used the occasion of human sexuality(another one of His ideas) to put flesh and blood on this idea. Then He allowed me to conceive ideas and choose which ones I would allow to influence the use of my time and resources. Amazing. Dangerous. He loved us. He set us free. If we use our freedom to seek His idea of who we are, then we will be free indeed. If we do not, well, that just seems foolish.
For my future to be better, I have to stop searching for my definition of better. Because I was His idea to begin with and did not create myself, I think it is wise to trust the Creator, of me. I will surrender to His idea- "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..." "And He walked with Adam in the cool of the day..." "Where your treasure is, there your heart(mind) will be also."
For a better future, I must press myself to focus on surrender, violently, if necessary. I cannot focus on results. Results are up to Him. After all, I am all His idea. Here I am, presently, between my idea of me and God's idea of me. And I'm feeling the crunch.
I have a great job, a wonderful wife, healthy, thriving sons, supportive extended family, a mortgage, 2 vehicles, and other stuff that helps me enjoy life-snow skis, canoe, guitar, bicycles, etc. I have everything I need, and most everything I want. Yet, deep in my soul, my core, there is yearning and restlessness. Changing my situation has only relieved this temporarily. Occasionally I get the itch for something new, and I save my money and buy it. New stuff always gets old. That deep itch cannot be scratched by surface things. The vicious cycle must be broken: restlessness, relocation, pseudo-success, frustration, depression, restlessness. Right there. There is where I need to STOP doing the same thing. My past has brought me to the present. But, as I'm not satisfied with it, I cannot allow impulsiveness to guide what is left of my time. My core needs something more.
There is a future out there ahead of me. What must I do to ensure that my future will be more than my past or present? What is it deep within me that continuously cries out? What is it that stops my rest, drawing lines on my face? Its a call. Its a purpose that was in me when I was still inside my mother's womb. My parents were merely the mechanical instruments used to bring me into this world. Before that, I existed in the mind of God. He conceived me, then used the occasion of human sexuality(another one of His ideas) to put flesh and blood on this idea. Then He allowed me to conceive ideas and choose which ones I would allow to influence the use of my time and resources. Amazing. Dangerous. He loved us. He set us free. If we use our freedom to seek His idea of who we are, then we will be free indeed. If we do not, well, that just seems foolish.
For my future to be better, I have to stop searching for my definition of better. Because I was His idea to begin with and did not create myself, I think it is wise to trust the Creator, of me. I will surrender to His idea- "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..." "And He walked with Adam in the cool of the day..." "Where your treasure is, there your heart(mind) will be also."
For a better future, I must press myself to focus on surrender, violently, if necessary. I cannot focus on results. Results are up to Him. After all, I am all His idea. Here I am, presently, between my idea of me and God's idea of me. And I'm feeling the crunch.
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